Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
