I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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