i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
