wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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