That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
