in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
