If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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