she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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