Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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