That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
3 2 1 whiskey
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
