my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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