Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
