I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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