new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
