I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
