I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize