I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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