Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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