I think my fart just growled at me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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