update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
