all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
