Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
