if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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