my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
