Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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