Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
