i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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