Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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