Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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