fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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