after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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