Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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