i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
