It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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