just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
