I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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