i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
