I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
