Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
