My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
