I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
