So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
