The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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