I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you inspire me to be a worse person
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
