Don't make out with my wife yet
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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