i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Randomize
