He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
