Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
