It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
