I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
