i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
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It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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