I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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