I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
