My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
