If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
