and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
