how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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