Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
