i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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